Big Cities Small hearts

The thrill of living in a big city is lost on me. Everytime I visit Chennai, I feel a deep sense of despair, bordering on hate toward the city. Not towards its residents per se, mind you. A lot of nice people I know live in Chennai and their living in the city has not made them any less nicer. But there is a feel.... Like when someone walks into a room and you immediately feel uncomfortable, though you might never have met the person before. Some call it "a gut feeling", some prejudice, but be that as it may, in the past I have trusted it and it has worked for me so I have no reason to stop doing so now.

But please dont get me wrong. Its not the vastness of the city that scares me. A guy from a small town, it is easy to write me off as just not fitting in and quibbling about it. But I think today in the age of the internet and cable TV that would be a crass and pompous statement to make to anyone. Everyone has access to everything. Small towns no longer plead guilty to ignorance.

Enough with the flyovers and the bazaars and the "culture centres" I implore you. whenever I come over,my state is reduced to that of an observer, recording each individual happening to be perused upon by the subconscious at its own leisure, to shape it into a lesson, to mould my "gut" for the future.

The city itslef seems to be a giant machine, involuntarily turning its mechanical cog-like people. As the day dawns, every day brings a hope for me. A hope that somehow, somewhere, magically, it will become a utopia. That when I help a person of my own accord, I will not be looked upon with mistrust or as being downright stupid. But everyday, the hope is broken as I look into the eyes of those around me.

Knit eyebrows,the banging of the head to music heard through the head phones, flustered phone conversations, somehow, they all seem to me to be fronts. All affected personality masks put on by people too scared and scarred to find themselves. no one meets yor eye for to long. Afraid, that they may inadvertently make a human connection? Gone are the days of casual acquaintances made at the bus stops or in the buses, (if there were such days in the past).

As I return home, i hope once more. Hope that when i look up, I can take refuge in God's wonderful display of the constellations. But each day that too is laid to waste as the city's polluted skyline offers no more than a glimpse of a handful of stars which you can count on the fingers of any hand of your choosing(I'm glad at least this much choice is left to me after a tiring day of accepting the "wide"range of choices: a)that food that fills your stomach and food that satisfy you are not necessarily the same, each of which may again either burn a deep hole or an abyss into your pocket. b)The maximum retail price on any product is only for all other cities in India-( you can take it for two more bucks than the listed price or leave it, I dont give a hoot, I got five lakh mindless consumers who can make me happy.)

Thoroughly disgusted, I simply wish to fall off into dream land where i can roam free and gain respite if only fantastical and for a few hours;but of course, I cannot be allowed to do that.. My sleep must be ceremoniously spoiled every few minutes by screaming airliners showing off to everyone how busy and imortant the city is. so important that its 5 million inhabitants simply cannot afford a decent night's sleep.

So from break of dawn to the early hours of the morning(at which point my body simply refuses to be subordinated by the city's will any longer and falls off to a slumber disturbed by the lateness of the hour and the prospect of not getting enough sleep), basically the city SUCKs...your energy.

Hats off and good luck to people sentenced to a life term in this place. See you in Hell... Oh wait you're there already???